Thoughts

I have a lot of articles to read!


Mainly from geography. There are interesting facts here and there, but overall, still dry. Need to stay focus! Which is of course pretty hard to do it.

So many things to do, but I just refuse to start. I'm a goner. Blame the internet!



Am still a crazy bitch stalker. Now I turned to interviewing virtual online friends for clues.
Shoot self.

Today is my first day of Sem 2. Timetable is much better but still stress.

AAM104-Number Theory.
There are four seniors who repeated the course. Made me kind of worried. Please don't let me re-module.

Today is just math. Off to some printing then to some assignments.



It seemed that things have been resolved. Everything has been done. But why do I still feel so angry? What's wrong with me?

Relationships might turn you into someone you detest. I feel that I've become more of a psycho bitch all over again. It sucked. I know it has to be my insecurity issues. Couldn't possibly change that.

I couldn't get over certain issues even though it was claimed to be a matter of the past. See, the word "claim"? I also have trust issues. I don't like it when people lie to me. It's pretty easy for someone who thinks a lot for a habit, and walk through all your statements logically with the help of their good memory. Then it made them realised certain things, then get all upset. 

Cause she's younger by a year, she's prettier, cause she is in a better position for your sympathy. 

I'm jealous. I lost inside out. 

She managed to keep you on her hook for awhile. And that loan! So much for, 

"I used a bit of money to test people".

What conclusion can you draw from it she didn't took the initiative to return you? Yeah, "give her some time, she's in need of help". How about a year? She did not. 

You felt that blessed that you've met her. You saw yourself in her. She gave you the green light to love again. That last part, I don't buy it. If it's so, I don't want what someone had discarded. 

NOW WHAT? A benefactor? Nope. 

Fuck this shit.

I want someone to make me feel better, not all these. 

I really hate myself to care so much about those shit. I wonder how long more I can go on.

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Holiday has been okay, after I've been grounded for about a week or less. It was a training schedule on "How To: Be a Maid" sucked I tell you. Vacuum the floor, mop the floor, keep laundry, make dinner, wash dishes, hang laundry. x4

Let me shoot myself if I'm a housewife. Oh my god, damn no life. If I were to end up being one, I wouldn't be happy.

Studies had shown that housework is more stressful than certain professions. Forgotten what professions, do own research to get proper examples.

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School is starting next week. I've seen the courses in blackboard already. I can totally feel the heat, feel that stress...gushing towards me like tsunami. Course outlines, assignments, assignments percentages, small quizzes, essay datelines, FINALS. 

They are all there. All crammed and compacted with an extra heavy dosage for 3.5 months. 

But again, it's much better than 8 modules. Hope I can pull up my GPA. Current GPA made me too ashamed to write it out. Couldn't even bring myself to be honest with myself. No guesses.

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Frustrated, confused, angry, jealous, insecured. Indignant, lowly, defeated. Unleashed stalkish mood but failed.

Bored, not appreciated, aimless.

Worried, scared, suffocating, stressed. 

So much emotions in a day. A pretty, rocky sea of mood. 

Its 2013.

Just got back from a 5 day trip from KL yesterday. It was my first trip without family/school, gone on my own with some company.

It was quite fun, and relaxing. That's holiday :)



Found out more about myself last night, it was horrible but at least I know. I really don't want to go back to where I was back then. It was hollow, empty and dark. I just got out, and thought I was happy. But I'm blinded by my own delusions. Is it really what I want?

Decisions. Decisions. I have to make it today. I dread it, I'm afraid.

Need to work harder for school. 5 mods in hand! Much lesser than 8 mods last year. Jiayou!





I wouldn't hope for a good year, I will give my best to make it a good one :)

Aye!

Been quite awhile!






I guess I'll need to reintroduce myself and reveal where I am now!



I made it to a local university, Nanyang Technological University, National Institute of Education. Yes, I'll be teaching! I'm majoring in Geography and minoring in Mathematics, teaching and nurturing the secondary school students!



Just finished my Year 1 Sem 1. I had great company and enjoyed every single bit of it. This group of friends which I'm having now, was found due to this "CIP-like" project, named GESL, module without AUs. I KNOW RIGHT. Freaking waste time.

Back to topic. This big group of friends I had are split into smaller groups for simple introduction. This bunch of friends are pretty fun to be with. They are, Clare, Rujun, and Russell in short the math people (The Mathian Army) of course I'm in it. Mathematics is different with them around, especially if we were to discuss our group homework together!
Next, the geog people, Ofelia, YingJia, Mabel. We speak damn loudly, good voice projections trainings.
The PE peeps, Weien and Leonard. No group ones, Chuck-E and Zhiyong, doing physics/english, bio/chem respectively.

Weird combinations!



School has been stressed. What's new hahaha! Always stressed! But this time, Its really no joke. 8 modules with AUs. No idea whether I died for finals or not. Fingers crossed.



Holidays! Wahahaha! Uni uphold this motto faithfully:

"work hard play hard, pain is temporary GPA is forever"

Fingers crossed real tight, results out on 21st december according to our resourceful Miss Ofema boss. 

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Read through all the 71 posts which I had made over here. People do grow up! I'm getting stronger! Will continue to make some postings to record all of these memories which are deemed important to me. 

Realised I've always been stressed and worried about examinations. Well trained student, who valued results a lot hahaha. Been through PSLE, O Levels, Break up, A Levels. Milestones. 

I'm glad I've wrote them down, it's all part of me. 

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By the way, I got a Macbook! Cost me $1777. Dad mentioned that it is under his sponsorship. Money no come yet! Oh god, my bank feels bare now. Cold hard cash, get back in! 

Off to sleep! Drained from the Monday wedding which i slept at 2.30am, woke up at 6.45am (supposed to be 6, I was late!) for SEAGA, 11th conference at Raffles Girls' School (Secondary) for a poster presentation which is from the AAG 103 mod. 

Drained! 

One day, I might be bold enough to post my big secret out here! Nah, not seeking for limelight, just a record of my honesty progress! 

Mind blank.

A lot of things have been going on. Everytime when everyone is back in this house, I've got this oppressive feeling and that I just feel like going away.

Yeah, I know my results is quite horrendous, and it seemed like whether I'll make it to any local Uni has been weighing down on everyone. I never get to escape any comparisons either. Its okay, I'm already used to being pressed down.
Always hated when my dad is semi drunk. He's making everyone tensed. Yeah, he somewhat speaks his heartfelt words. I'll rather not know, really.

I hope that feeling will go away. I want to find that peace in my heart again. This is so draining. And the sad thing is, money is kinda the root cause.

2010 has passed.

This year was really a very hectic one, and had really brought me about many learning points.

No one will stay with you forever, except for your family.

Love them and cherish them. For the rest, I'll just have to know that I've really tried what I can to salvage everything I could.

A word of advice to that someone who thought that she is smart. Don't take the story from one side and think that those are the truth.

It's all over now.

Was wondering if I could really move on well. Cause I know you had.

side tracking for awhile.

Relationships between people are scary.

Those who are the pillar of support are your family, followed by your (true) friends.

But who do we depend on (in general) for having a company for life?

A complete stranger which you'll meet along the way, trust those words and promises and then you'll end up together.

What if you made a wrong decision?

Keeping those thoughts aside, maybe there will be an answer awaiting along the way.

Maybe, I'll be okay someday.

Maybe, I'll be able to be better than ever.

I'll leave 2011 to search the answer for me then.

Moving ahead, finding my focus.

happy new year.

2011, may it be a good one.